Well hello there mr. Melinda. Today we are going to guide you through the wonderful journey of apocalypsis, shown in the movie 2012.
Hm, what is the best way to describe the movie in general? Hmm, probably mind-numbing, time-wasting, money-draining, soul-sucking stupidity.and sexy. Yes. The special effect were cool, but let me pay special details on some things. For example, you are speeding in your car, everything is crashing down, EVERYONE gets crushed down, but not you..now way hosay! You have this magical aura that protects you. ’Oh peesha you huge skyscraper with glassy windows and walls, im so outta here!‘ So if you want to survive a 9.2 earthquake, just rent a limo. OOOOOR even better! Whenever there is an earthquake, a tornado, a huge wave or a Big Rhonda coming your way it is very important that you hide UNDER THE TABLE!
Wooosh, but that was a close one, we have survived. Next stop. The volcano escape. Now you are riding in a van (yes, we do like to change cars) and there is a giant volcano bursting behind you and of course your van crashes into some hole with firey hot magma thingie and what do you do? Oh it’s okay, don’t worry about it, you just ignore the high temperatures and toxic clouds of dust and pretend you are in SAUNA, so just easily climb out of the van all tumdeedumdeedum , grab on to the surface and get out of the hole. Eeeeeeasy as pie. A bit sweaty in Sveta’s sweater, but no worries. Oh yea, and don’t forget to run after the plane afterwards, because you know..any human is faster than the plane, daaaaaah.
Next stop. China. Oh yea, speaking of China. How come the world is all DOOOOMED and nothing ever happened to China until the end of the movie? Yaaaaaaawnie. Anywho. China. Yes. Make sure you get there on the hugest plane you can ever get and always, I repeat, ALWAYS land down on the glacier somewhere in the mountains.
So you are alone. Somewhere in the mountains. Its cold and old and bold and sold and cold, but yet again. Don’t worry. A flying giraffe will come to the rescue! It is very important you take a giraffe with you! And a gorilla, and a goat and a bunny! Especially the bunny! Or you can just stop a passing by truck. What? Don’t you ever see trucks in the mountains? It is as usual as my babycakes’ farts. But thank God they saved a giraffe.
So you made it safely to the giant ships (which were actually supposed to be submarines, but since they are ‘made in china’… yeaaaa) and of course, the stupid door of the ship won’t close and there is only 15 minutes left till the impact with the giant wave that is coming from India and going towards China so that you will crash into the mount Everest. Mhmh. Good geographical twist there mr. Wave. Anywho. The submarine-ship is filling with water. There are only 15 minutes left til the wave comes, so what do you do? Simple, you should always do a 10 minutes debate on "opening the door" subject. Feel free to speak, whatever it is on your mind. Whatever? Okay. Do you remember the time when you were little and there was your grandma and blablablabla…oooooukaaaaaay..now will you swim down and see why can’t the door be closed? Nope. Now it is time for kissie-kissie and perhaps a quickie with the ex-wifey, so don’t worry people, at least I will die while having SEX! Of course one hero saves the day, USA is on the top AAAGAIN, nothing to think about, everyone is happy, my Celine’s face says ‘the hell?’, Ladybaby Manka laughs her ass off, Swedish lady is confused and the movie is over.
But you know what. There are some positive things too. First of all, me and babycakes saw Melanie C on the ship. So when you get bored, there will be a Mel C breakdown.
“its just the beginning, its not the end, things will never be the same again”.
So there you have it. And what did we learn about surviving 2012?
1. If you want to survive in 2012, take a couple of flight lessons.
2. Move to Africa
3. Even during the apocalypse, you will have excellent cell phone reception.
4. When collecting animals for the ark, do not collect cows, sheep or pigs (animals that provide humans with food and clothing) rather save the giraffe and the rhino, and then return them to Africa, a part of the world that wasn't flooded anyways! (so that later the giraffe could tell his kids that he was riding a helicopter. Oh right..there will be no kids, because there is only ONE giraffe. ONE gorilla. ONE Godzilla)
5. Bring your cars instead of survival gears at the boarding. After world is over, all the highways will be empty for you to break speed limits and gas will be cheap.
6. If you want to live past 2012..become friends with John Cusack.
